Thursday, September 13, 2012

The rat that died today.

Its a big world, 
but yet its very small. 
We say nothing, 
but sometimes we want to say it all. 
Everything changes,
 but we want them to stay the same. 
Time flies, 
but we want it to stand still. 
Life is short, 
but we don't make the best of it. 
Actions seem so sane, 
but really,

we're all crazy.

I wonder why we are so into helping others. 
We raise money for the poor. 
We pray for the safety and happiness of the ones we love. 
We pray for good weather. 
We pray for good grades. 
We pray for harmony. 
We talk about compassion like its something we know. 
We do what we know is right, 
but what do we really know? 
We are all helpful. 
We are all kind. 
We are all compassionate. 
We are all fine. 
We all have big hearts,
Are they caring and compassionate,
like we hope for them to be? 
Or are they just pumping blood,
keeping us alive?

Maybe we're being over-rated. 
Maybe our conscience can't be heard. 
Maybe someone made us like this. 
Maybe we made us like this.
Maybe we evolved. 
Maybe we aren't as kind as we seem. 
Maybe we're all heartless. 
Maybe we're not. 
Maybe I'm crazy. 
Maybe I'm not.  
Maybe we're all different.
Maybe we're all the same.
Maybe we don't deserve to take the blame.
Maybe it was you. 
Maybe it was me.
Maybe it was fate.
Maybe it was hate.
Maybe it was nothing.
Maybe it was boredom.
Maybe it was anger.
Maybe it was fear. 
Maybe it was exciting.
Maybe it was thrilling.
I could go on, but there's nothing cool about killing.
Maybe we just didn't want it living here. 
Maybe you just didn't want it living here.

Maybe I wanted it to live here.

Am I out of my mind, completely insane?
Do I look like I'm joking, do I seem like I'm lying?
Am I thinking clearly, am I just in shock?
Am I the only one? are we the only two?
Is that really necessary?
Is there another way? 
Was there another way?
Am I freaking out? 
Maybe I'm just about to.
Am I just worried?
Do I really care?
Am I too late?

I am too late.

I was too late.

I could've changed something.
I would've changed something.
I could've done something.
I would've done something.


What if you'd laugh at me?
What if you'd agree?
What if this would change the way you see?
What if I came earlier?
What if I skipped breakfast?
What if we drove faster?
What if the water was just water?
What if there was no power?
What if there wasn't a stick?
What if there wasn't school that day?
What if no one saw it?
What if no one heard it?
Then no one could've killed it.
What if there was another?
Would we do the same?
What if I'm not asking?
What if I am just thinking?
What if.

But the water was not just water. 
It was hot.
The past could not tell the future.
It was just a thought.
The end cannot be the beginning.
But it could be for the thing.
But its not a thing.
Its not an 'it'.
It could be a she.
It could be a he.
It could be a friend.
It could be an enemy.
There could be a reason.
There could be none.
I felt like I was about to cry.
But why didn't I?
I felt numb and cold.
I felt sad and scared.
Maybe it was the class.
Maybe I just didn't understand.
Malay sounds like gibberish sometimes.
Maybe it was the air-condition blowing on my hands. 
Either way,
Its not a nice feeling.

It was described like an experiment or a game.
If it stayed here, we would've given it a name.
It didn't die the first time. 
Did you wonder why?
It didn't die the second time.
Did you wonder why?
It didn't die the third time, when you tried to drown it.
Did you wonder why?
Why didn't we just let it go?
So it could be free to find a new home?
Hopefully it can find one now in heaven.
If there's a heaven for animals like mice.
Maybe we share the same heaven.
Maybe its nice.
Then again, what do I know?

'Rest in peace' sounds absurd at this time,
after all that has happened.
But I hope the mouse is happy wherever the afterlife takes it.
If they don't say 'I'm sorry' 
I will for them.
I'm sorry we made you suffer.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. 

I hope you don't think I'm crazy. 
You're probably thinking I am already. 
I hope you don't stop talking to me.
Or see me in any way differently.
Its very hard to say how I feel,
without worrying about what others would think.
But if we keep everything to ourselves because of something we're afraid will happen,
how will we ever know?
So
I'm closing my eyes,
and just pushing 'publish'.
You're free to think whatever you wish. 

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