Monday, April 20, 2020

I was just thinking

I was just thinking
Casually wondering 

And then I kept thinking 
Now I'm thinking too much 

How I love staying home
Writing and making music
For people, but not many people
to listen to

I can't go to work right now
But I realise I miss it less and less
With every passing day
What if it wasn't even for me at all?
How am I going to go back now?

What am I doing with my life?
I thought I knew, but I maybe I don't

Uncertainty creeps up on you when you are most certain

Then it eats you from the inside out
Slowly, it takes over 
When a minute ago you were happy with everything
A minute ago you were so sure

I had a plan that I thought would work
It has been a long while
Should it have worked by now,
Or am I just not good enough?

Now its a downward spiral
Of thoughts that had been locked behind a door
Never to be opened again

Its open.
Flooding through everything
I can't do this

But maybe its just the fear of loosing what you have
Or the fear of a change you don't know
The future is right in front of us
but there's a sheet covering everything and we can't see

I don't understand this
Making art while trying to make money
Making sure either one isn't compromised

Now I have all this "art"
But I'm not making much money
Its okay
I'm happy making it, and happy with what I have written

I'm living off of the money I made 
Back when I worked too much
When I was kind of happy
Doing a job I thought I enjoyed

What do I do when that runs out?
The bills will still come though, won't they?
Next time when I live on my own
Will I have to drop everything I have now?

Taking deep breaths
Staying in the moment
What I can control, and what I can't 
Work on things, keep busy

False confidence
and temporary clarity kicks in

Everything's fine again.

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