Saturday, September 29, 2012

This is the start of something new

Can I just say how much I adore Ed Sheeran?

I heard an office phone ringing in my sleep while I was drifting back and fourth from consciousness. And then I wondered, why would there be an office phone ringing? So I got up sleepily and realized it was the alarm of my phone. Made a note to myself to change the ringing tone because this one plays like a lullaby. I looked at the time and it was 5:30 in the morning. There's usually no reason whatsoever for me to get up this early in the morning but today, I was going to be on live TV for the first time on my own!!!!!! (A huge thanks to Jasmine for helping me get this!) I was going to be on Hello On Two that showed on RTM 2 at 7. Jasmine would talk about the youth festival and I would sing. We drove a long way to the RTM studios and found our way to the studio. It was big. Big as in massively huge with different blocks and many levels and entrances. We walked up to the reception area and someone found us. Thank goodness, because we would've been lost and wandering aimlessly around this gigantic place. I walked into a dressing room and a lady put make-up on me with all sorts of brushes I thought would be better for painting. I was getting really nervous. Also it was really freezing cold in there and when we rushed out of the house, I forgot my hoodie. Man, did I wish I had it with me then. The two hosts were reading the headlines of several papers and I was led to a stool in the corner where I set up. There isn't much to set up since its just me and my guitar, so I just sat there. Then it came my turn to sing. There were three cameras pointing at me and I was so confused which one to look at. I told myself to smile, but I wasn't sure if it could hide my nervousness. It felt like it flew by so fast and before I knew it, I was done singing. It was a blast. Just that few minutes, it was so worth it. Like after so many times having things not work out, I felt like they were falling apart, and this week, all the shattered pieces are slowly, very slowly falling into place.

Monday was a rush. Literally and figuratively. An emotional roller coster and also a mad rush to school. The train got delayed, as usual but I made it to school in time.
The past few days were filled with mad, crazy studying, because there was a biology test coming up and the passing mark is 65 percent. I read the chapters from 1-5 and took notes, loads of notes and tried to remember the different classifications of animals like mammals, birds, amphibians, reptiles, arthropods, arachnids, nematodes and soooo soo, so on. I studied about batch culture and mycoproteins, benedict tests, emulsion tests, dicotyledonous and monocotyledonous plants.
I have never, ever studied this hard for a test. Ever. Then the papers were placed on our desks. All of the above I studied for did not end up in the test. So the two hours was spent with me basically digging every corner of my brain trying to see how much I retained during the lessons in my sub consciousness. Turns out, not much. Detailed images of the cells I drew in my notebook but no labels to tell be which is what. I've never felt so tired after school. I fell asleep in the car on the way to KL. I was going to perform at the opening of FEYST. An indie youth festival filled with music, arts, video games and loads more. What was even better was that there were actually people watching. Actual strangers, not the people my mom brought plus member of the media. I sang a malay song without even knowing what I was singing about. From what I understood, it is about facebook love. I think.

I hope someday when the time comes and when I inevitably reach a crossroad between music full time and a sustainable full time job, I hope I'd get to do music. I can't imagine wanting to do anything else with my life. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what if it doesn't work? Then again, if I stop myself at 'what if' I would never know.


Next week (Wednesday) I will be on air on RED FM (!!!!) around 8pm. I still can't bring myself to believe that this is actually real.
Tune in maybe?
104.9 fm.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The rat that died today.

Its a big world, 
but yet its very small. 
We say nothing, 
but sometimes we want to say it all. 
Everything changes,
 but we want them to stay the same. 
Time flies, 
but we want it to stand still. 
Life is short, 
but we don't make the best of it. 
Actions seem so sane, 
but really,

we're all crazy.

I wonder why we are so into helping others. 
We raise money for the poor. 
We pray for the safety and happiness of the ones we love. 
We pray for good weather. 
We pray for good grades. 
We pray for harmony. 
We talk about compassion like its something we know. 
We do what we know is right, 
but what do we really know? 
We are all helpful. 
We are all kind. 
We are all compassionate. 
We are all fine. 
We all have big hearts,
Are they caring and compassionate,
like we hope for them to be? 
Or are they just pumping blood,
keeping us alive?

Maybe we're being over-rated. 
Maybe our conscience can't be heard. 
Maybe someone made us like this. 
Maybe we made us like this.
Maybe we evolved. 
Maybe we aren't as kind as we seem. 
Maybe we're all heartless. 
Maybe we're not. 
Maybe I'm crazy. 
Maybe I'm not.  
Maybe we're all different.
Maybe we're all the same.
Maybe we don't deserve to take the blame.
Maybe it was you. 
Maybe it was me.
Maybe it was fate.
Maybe it was hate.
Maybe it was nothing.
Maybe it was boredom.
Maybe it was anger.
Maybe it was fear. 
Maybe it was exciting.
Maybe it was thrilling.
I could go on, but there's nothing cool about killing.
Maybe we just didn't want it living here. 
Maybe you just didn't want it living here.

Maybe I wanted it to live here.

Am I out of my mind, completely insane?
Do I look like I'm joking, do I seem like I'm lying?
Am I thinking clearly, am I just in shock?
Am I the only one? are we the only two?
Is that really necessary?
Is there another way? 
Was there another way?
Am I freaking out? 
Maybe I'm just about to.
Am I just worried?
Do I really care?
Am I too late?

I am too late.

I was too late.

I could've changed something.
I would've changed something.
I could've done something.
I would've done something.

What if you'd laugh at me?
What if you'd agree?
What if this would change the way you see?
What if I came earlier?
What if I skipped breakfast?
What if we drove faster?
What if the water was just water?
What if there was no power?
What if there wasn't a stick?
What if there wasn't school that day?
What if no one saw it?
What if no one heard it?
Then no one could've killed it.
What if there was another?
Would we do the same?
What if I'm not asking?
What if I am just thinking?
What if.

But the water was not just water. 
It was hot.
The past could not tell the future.
It was just a thought.
The end cannot be the beginning.
But it could be for the thing.
But its not a thing.
Its not an 'it'.
It could be a she.
It could be a he.
It could be a friend.
It could be an enemy.
There could be a reason.
There could be none.
I felt like I was about to cry.
But why didn't I?
I felt numb and cold.
I felt sad and scared.
Maybe it was the class.
Maybe I just didn't understand.
Malay sounds like gibberish sometimes.
Maybe it was the air-condition blowing on my hands. 
Either way,
Its not a nice feeling.

It was described like an experiment or a game.
If it stayed here, we would've given it a name.
It didn't die the first time. 
Did you wonder why?
It didn't die the second time.
Did you wonder why?
It didn't die the third time, when you tried to drown it.
Did you wonder why?
Why didn't we just let it go?
So it could be free to find a new home?
Hopefully it can find one now in heaven.
If there's a heaven for animals like mice.
Maybe we share the same heaven.
Maybe its nice.
Then again, what do I know?

'Rest in peace' sounds absurd at this time,
after all that has happened.
But I hope the mouse is happy wherever the afterlife takes it.
If they don't say 'I'm sorry' 
I will for them.
I'm sorry we made you suffer.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. 

I hope you don't think I'm crazy. 
You're probably thinking I am already. 
I hope you don't stop talking to me.
Or see me in any way differently.
Its very hard to say how I feel,
without worrying about what others would think.
But if we keep everything to ourselves because of something we're afraid will happen,
how will we ever know?
I'm closing my eyes,
and just pushing 'publish'.
You're free to think whatever you wish.