Tuesday, November 12, 2019

November 4th 2019
I had a conversation with someone I hadn’t seen in over a year the other day.

“you look happier now”

For the hours following our conversation I couldn’t quite get those words out of my head. It caught me by surprise because I didn’t even realise it: I am happy. I may not have been before, and I know I will not be forever. So I’m enjoying it today, because fearing that it wouldn’t last would take the happiness away.

Lately I’ve been looking at life a little differently. I stopped looking at my work schedule like it was a puzzle I needed to fill every gap up with. The world never stops, and if I kept going along with it I’ll probably loose my mind. Taking a break is a scary thing. We’re conditioned to boast about how busy we are, encouraged to keep going and going and going. Having to give a reason on a leave application is so daunting to me that sometimes I’d rather work than to ask for some time off. I finally got the courage to (or maybe I finally got too mentally exhausted) and cut back on my working hours. It's crazy how much a little extra free time in a week can do. 

I started journalling again, on paper because I just can't quite catch on with digital journaling quite yet.
The plants in the garden aren't wilting anymore, and it makes me happy to see them growing. (The other day, we harvested a bunch of mulberries!)
I have breakfast with my grandmother more often now; even though she would question my life decisions every time we sit down over a cup of Milo in the morning.
I’m trying to write again. Trying not think so much about who is reading this, and what you might think.
My mind is full of lyrics I hadn’t written down, and right now I’m just sorting through the mess of ideas.
I made it home in time for dinner with my family.
It’s the little things that make everything feel more whole, and I guess I found it, and then got lost in everything, and am now finding it again.

It seems happiness is something we don’t really prioritise. We’re always looking toward the next thing, getting from one place to another, not really able to be happy with where we are. Sometimes we put our happiness in material things we don’t have. We’re comfortably uncomfortable with the way things are, knowing that it needs to change but not really willing to make a change.

The biggest thing I realised is that I didn’t let myself feel happy because of the fear that it might slip through my fingers, worried I might get too comfortable here, but I'm learning to let it go and just be here in this moment.

Anyway, that's my little journal entry/thoughts on happiness. Thanks for reading <3